Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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