whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
