Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
