It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
