Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
