I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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