he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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