Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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