Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
