I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
