Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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