just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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