There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
