she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
