I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
