I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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