There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
