so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
