it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
