everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
