He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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