Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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