there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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