Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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