Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize