Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
