Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
