Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
