Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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