Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
