In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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