I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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