You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
