cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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