it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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