Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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