Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
