I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
