I smell stomach acid.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
