my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
