I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
