I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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