Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
