the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
