this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
