Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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