I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
