I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
