quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize