Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize