corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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