I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
