I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
