i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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