i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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