Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
