Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
