my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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