Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
