there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
