i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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