I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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