That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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