im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
