So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
