I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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