dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
