So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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